my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
