Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
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