Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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