i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
