i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
