when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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