Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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