i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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