i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
