Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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