I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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