peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
