I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
