I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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