laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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