You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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