I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Randomize