Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
