Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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