some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
