The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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