dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
