We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
