just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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