he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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