Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
