the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
