Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.