Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
