I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
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Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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