I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
