she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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