I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
