He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
