New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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