Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
