I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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