The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
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Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
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Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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