Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
