I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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