You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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