mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
