I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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