and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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