is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
