Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Randomize
