I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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