I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
