So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
