The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
