We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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