you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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