I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
