My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
