I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
