so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
