What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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