Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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