just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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